The word for me these days is "lovelorn." It seems to me that we've lost touch with that word... probably because of how stupid it sounds. But hey: accurate.

Today I found out that I'm not going to be making a one-minute movie this year. I thought I was. I have this thing, 30, stewing on my drive where it's been for over a month. But I'm not going to make that movie any more. Wait, I'm ahead of myself. I went over to Demetre's today and we made his one-minute movie. It went very well I think (and fast!). He came up with a real cracker idea, right on theme, and at one point late in the shoot - when I was called upon to fight my way through a forest of stacked chairs, computer keyboards, fake ferns, newspaper piles, and egg breakfasts, and nobody knew exactly what was going to happen - I realized that this flick was completely in line with my wheelhouse, for all the reasons I spoke of when I made Standoff last month. So that was cool. And just helping get a movie like this made is totally empowering. But it made me feel kind of like a bad daddy for not having finished 30 or even having started on editing Standoff yet, not to mention the fact that Asshole is just sitting on the hot plate waiting for me to start paying attention to it, 8 weeks after I thought I'd have the whole thing wrapped up by the end of the summer.

So I came home and put exactly 45 minutes of work into 30. And it was enough time to realize that I don't really want to make this movie. I guess I was sort of resisting this feeling over the past month, because I thought I was just being lazy. But at the end of the day, it just wasn't a very good idea to begin with. It's visually awkward and not very interesting. Oh, and also just so fucking self-indulgent, as can happen when I try to force a requirement to turn into a concept, instead of the other way around. So that's done. I'm not going to make that movie. Everyone knows the shit I've been through and I don't need to put it on the big screen against a stupid sloppy power ballad to make it make sense. I guess I'll put Growth into contention for the festival instead, even though it'll mean falling bitch to my number one festival pet peeve: people who name their films after the theme. I excuse myself by remembering that it's actually the other way around, and that the theme was named after my film. Or I'll just change the name to Let's Go Get a Taco, and submit it under the name River Tam. Can't hurt.

Yesterday I bought Garden State on DVD and Matty Price and I watched it. I did this because in spite of the fact that I gave it a decidedly mixed review back in 2004, and continue to think that movie has as many flaws as it has highs, there's no denying that it somehow nevertheless worked its way into my personal cultural landscape in the intervening years. Some movies you love because they're great, some movies you love because they came to you at a perfect time, and some movies you love just because for whatever reason, they're a part of your life. Garden State, evidently, became a part of my life and I didn't even know it.

And that kiss. Damn.