It's 11:43 p.m... Transformers has already made a trillion hundred dollars. True story.

Matty Price and I saw Transformers tonight in probably the best circumstances you possibly could - with an American crowd, in a room filled with Transformers fans, on a 2K digital projector. Holy sweet mother of fuck filmies, it's over. That was the sweetest pimp ride of a filmed image I have ever fucking seen. The movie? Yeah all right. It's oddly effective and ineffective in equal measure, varies wildly in tone from moment to moment (including the ten-minute "capering Autobots" scene), and is pretty much exactly every single thing that a Transformers movie needs to accomplish in order to be a Transformers movie. Seeing Optimus stand up and walk around and talk like Optimus made me a 12-year-old boy again, and Michael Bay's continued inability to understand basic storytelling made the end of the film feel a bit like being hit by a flying piece of concrete. So... all expectations present and accounted for, yes sir.

Now here's the thing: when I was a kid, me and Adam had maybe three Transformers apiece and for each of them, we could transform behind our backs with our eyes closed. Like marines. A few weeks ago, though, I bought Blackout from the new movie... and it takes me about twenty minutes to transform him, with two pages of detailed instructions. I patently refuse to believe that this is just because I'm post-pubescent, and therefore insist that Transformers have gotten harder. Does that seem like the right move to you?