Chinese Burn
Aug 30 2003 - 12:11 a.m.

Matty Price and I were coming out of American Splendor when we came upon three girls picking through a gigantic fucking pile of discarded movie posters sitting outside the back door of the Cumberland. I got a beaten-to-shit Whale Rider but also a beautifully minted, never-used Gerry which is printed on honest-to-god, we-couldn't-get-the-studio-to-pay-for-a-real-print-run Hewlett Packard paper. Fuckin' A. Why pay for anything? Ever?

Of course, the poster grab-fest was interrupted by a couple of drunken frat boys who immediately decided that the best thing to do with the tubes was beat one another into submission with them, and within about 30 seconds, one of the pair was indeed lying slumped in the hoard of posters, drooling uncontrollably. So that ended that.

Oh, I've also got about six Core's. Even my renegade anarchic spirit working in overtime couldn't quite get me to hang them up in my bedroom.... but I'm thinking of mounting all six on one of my ceilings, in an unfolding-flower, female-genitalia style pattern like Bex has on her ceiling. But then I'd never get out of bed.

Matt Brown, Accountant
Aug 29 2003 - 6:22 p.m.

Guess what? Summer's over. That smell is in the air. Oh sure it's 25 degrees and so muggy that walking around outside is like skin-diving through a soup of human blood, but nevertheless, summer's over. It's back-to-school time. God I wish I was going back to school. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that Mark and I re-enrolled at North Toronto and were having our first day. That was pretty scary. Even scarier was last night's dream where Mark and I pulled a major bank job where we ended up executing about a dozen people. It was kind of like the one in Heat except it was around Queen and Yonge, so we ended up hiding out in the Eaton Centre and just trying to blend in and act natural while the slow realization that we'd murdered a whole bunch of innocent civilians was creeping down our spines, making me so depressed that when I woke up I actually said, "it's just a dream, thank god I didn't actually murder a whole bunch of innocent civilians."

I don't often dream of mass murder and gunplay, but then I also don't often go to see gore fests on the big screen.

Some blogs are hot pink n' flourescent green. Like, at the same time. They seem more interesting than this morose field of greyish forest green, but then, look at what I've been writing about lately. Content is everything, not Joker colour schemes.

I finished a script yesterday. Yay to the me that is me! Although I admit that in this time of change, I am becoming more and more hesitant about flying my colours like that. Still... ARRRRRRRRRRRRH.

I am currently irritated with three people, two organizations, and one cat.

Cup a' tea, cup a' tea, almost got shagged, cup a' tea...
Aug 28 2003 - 10:22 p.m.

A surprisingly autobiographical review of Freddy vs. Jason has been posted.

A pistol with one shot
Aug 28 2003 - 10:19 a.m.

Here they are, your Survivor 7 castaways:

I don't really care about Survivor that much any more but I do care about pirates, and Survivor: Pearl Islands is all about pirates. The tribes are called Drake and Morgan. Arrrrrrrrh! Their islands are former pirate strongholds. Arrrrrrrrh! And the only supply they'll be given is rum. Arrrrrrrrrrh!

So that being the case, the point of this new game is obviously not, "who's the best Survivor," but rather, "who's the best pirate." And in this case, at last, the answer is pretty fucking obvious:

Rupert "Blackbeard" Boneheim
(Teen Counselor)

Arrrrrrh! Meanwhile in Matt-land, I got completely cleaned out at poker last night for only the second time since I've been playing with the gang, which was... well rather ennervating, really. Since I haven't won since the first tournament, I think we can safely say that my long run of modest success is finally at an end. Last night I was well on the way to at least salvaging the night, before a sadistic hand of Acey-Ducey handed me my ass. I mean "Acey-Ducey." What the fuck does that even mean???

THE POWER OF THE FORCE
Aug 26 2003 - 7:25 p.m.

It's mine it is, precious!

Yep, Jason's getting me the FX sabre for my birthday. And I'm not the only one so gifted. I just had the rare opportunity to order four of these suckers, all of which will be winging their way towards Toronto in the next couple of months. Does my mania know no bounds???

This was all inspired by the unbelievably tantalizing shots of Obi-Wan and Anakin's final duel sabres on Starwars.com today. It's all happening right now, the fight to end all fights, the confrontation we've been waiting to see for 26 years...

Boneyard
Aug 26 2003 - 12:04 a.m.

Man, E.R. used to be great. Really, really great. And to my immense surprise - after hearing that the boxed set of the first season would boast only 4 disks for 26 episodes - the presentation is superb. The disks are double-sided, the picture is excellent, and for a cherry on top, it's 16x9 in spite of the fact that the series wasn't broadcast widescreen until the seventh season! Looks damn nifty, the best I've ever seen the show... and I've got the first season pretty well memorized. Anyways, here's a review....

Braggadocio
Aug 25 2003 - 9:36 p.m.

Oh, we hates her, precious. She stole it. She stole it from us! We hates her stupid American face and her nassssty Padmé-n'-Jar Jar jokeses! We hates her, precious, we do! She touched Chewbacca's bowcaster and had breakfast with Steve Sansweet! She picked up a lightsabre and swung it around and we hates her!! They started shooting the duel today, precious, and she saw Ewan and Hayden and George! We hates her! CURSE HER!! ...<Gollum>...<Gollum>....

Two - Five - Oh
Aug 25 2003 - 6:48 p.m.

No poll, no festivities, just 250 DVDs. Striking distance.

To the spammer who used my former e-mail address to send me 45 viruses this afternoon, FUCK, and YOU. Together at last.

Hunger
Aug 25 2003 - 9:25 a.m.

From rumour to reality in just six days. Oh, we wants it, we do. There are too many pretty things in this world. My precious!

Rule Number One
Aug 24 2003 - 11:29 a.m.

After a seventeen year rain delay, I finally launched my Space Shuttle Columbia rocket today, cuz I woke up and it the conditions were just too perfect not to do it. Here's what happened, presented for you in Imagine-O-Vision because of course, my camera's in the shop:

Launch #1, I used a C6-7 engine, which was probably a mistake. The "7" in the name there means that it takes 7 seconds for the parachute to open. At the apogee of the flight, this particular rocket is supposed to eject the Space Shuttle orbiter from the booster rocket. The orbiter then glides down separately while the booster comes down on a parachute.

As it turns out, 7 seconds was a couple of seconds too long for this process, so up the rocket went, and then she hovered in midair rather magestically, before beginning a titanic fall back to the ground. Jason and I are just staring at it, thinking the parachute's just never gonna pop at all. Well, it finally did, but only about thirty feet off the ground. WHAM.

The result of all this was that the nose of the orbiter had cracked, spilling the counterweights, and orbiter's tail fin, along with one of the other four stabilization fins, had broken off. Now, Rule Number One of model rocketry is: you never launch a damaged rocket. But, since I'd already determined that I wasn't gonna bring this sucker home anyway, we decided to go for launch #2.

Launch #2, the somewhat-patched-back-together rocket went off the pad in a weird corkscrew pattern before driving straight back into the ground at full speed. Momentary pause, then poof, out popped the parachute. Perfect Simpsons moment.

Now the orbiter is completely pooched, and can't even attach to the booster any more. The ass-plate of the fuel tank is coming off, the parachute is partially melted, and there are scorch marks on the fins, but what the hell, we decide to launch it sans orbiter just to see what happens.

Launch #3, what happens is this: the rocket shoots up about forty feet into the air before planing off horizontally. It then screams down the length of the field like a guided missile, before crashing to the ground.

Arriving at the debris field, what we can reconstruct is this: it seems that as the rocket came down, it hit the ground once and bounced, but left its solid rocket boosters behind (along with the stablization fins). One of them was lodged in the ground at a 30° angle, and the other was just lying there.

The remains of the booster section must then have achieved some air again because the fuel tank (which contains the parachute) was another twenty feet further down the field, on its own. The parachute had deployed at some point but probably hadn't achieved anything. Smoke was rising. Death to the Shuttle!

So, that's that. Procrastination's a wonderful thing, but getting something out of the way is far more satisfying. Almost makes me want to build another rocket and wait interminably to set it off.

BTW: For those who don't remember the tale, I've built three of these shuttles. The first one (also Columbia, I think) was built too poorly to ever fly. The second (Atlantis) came at the tail end of my interest in the hobby and so it, too, was never launched. This new Columbia was the first one I ever actually flew, although technically, it didn't really do what it was supposed to do. But yeah, the fact that the Columbia's destruction was caused by a catastrophic landing is a bit spooky. I never named one Challenger, but then I've never glued the nose cone in place to make the sucker explode, either. There are rules!

Barking up the Wrong Tree
Aug 23 2003 - 12:28 p.m.

Look, I designed my own hell:

You too may design your own hell. Have fun.

Unfortunately "tequila" was not one of the selections, nor is "dogs who bark constantly," or I would have included them, as an unholy combination of the two is currently constructing a rather decent sense of hell for me right now. But then, the internet is not an exact science.

God, why is the rum gone?

Ding Dong the Video Store Clerk Is Dead
Aug 22 2003 - 1:10 p.m.

Chris is today's Hero of the Day.

I, on the other hand, am fucked: my Monty Python boxed set has arrived at DVD Wave, so next Tuesday I'm buying that, The Storyteller, E.R., and The Simpsons. Thank God it's payday on Monday.

Get Ready, Cuz It's Big
Aug 22 2003 - 9:56 a.m.

Fellowship. And Two Towers. Being re-released to theatres in the weeks leading up to the release of Return of the King.

And on the 16th of December... all three will be playing back to back. Fellowship at 3, Towers at 7, which will then segue directly into a midnight preview of Return of the King.

Obviously this fucks up my traditional LOTR release day plans rather mightily, but.... but........... can it be resisted?!

Okay, how's this. It's not really a spoiler cuz everyone knows it's happening, so please, delight in the image I call "Tall Dark n' Forehead vs. Captain Peroxide."

Saigon Whore
Aug 21 2003 - 10:44 p.m.

Well it's thundering like crazy outside and I've got an hour left of The Two Towers so I'll make this short, but.....

DO NOT PATRONIZE THE RESTAURANT CALLED "SAIGON SISTER."

It's a new place at Bloor and Yonge, a couple of doors up from the Uptown. We went there for a belated Chandra birthday celebration after last week's blackout. Here's what happened: the food took two hours to arrive. At around 1h55, Chandra went to the waiter to ask how much longer it would be. The waiter gave her shit. Repeat after me: THE WAITER GAVE HER SHIT, for politely asking whether the food would arrive before the next millennium. Then Jason went after him. More shit. And the resulting cavalcade of bad manners from this waiter and the managerial staff was truly something to be witnessed once in a lifetime. To top things off, after all this atrocious service, they incorporated a 15% tip into the bill. I couldn't even do my patented 21¢ tip trick.

Don't ever go to this place, ever. Consider it a personal favour to me. And I'll double your favour creds if you give the place the finger every time you walk by.

Fortunately, being a pirate who enjoys a bit of drama, it was still a fun evening.

On a happier note: after years of praying it would someday be so, it somehow managed to happen right under my nose: Jim Henson's The Storyteller is coming to DVD, next week! This was a truly great series and I'm really looking forward to having a go at it for the first time in fifteen years.

And two more words: Daredevil Kubricks. Wheeeeeee!

The long and short of it
Aug 21 2003 - 10:02 a.m.

My precious...!

Turns out that whenever Ewan McGregor was badmouthing Star Wars in the past few years, he was drunk. He's not drunk any more, so he's apologizing, and promising not to badmouth Star Wars any more. I love you Ewan, and want to be you most of the time. But why is the rum gone?!

I knew it had to be something like that. I mean, who wouldn't want to play Obi-Wan Kenobi? No one I can think of, except maybe Mer.

Looks like Keira Knightley's in Jurassic Park IV, while John Cleese is out of Harry Potter 3. Which doesn't bother me, cuz I can't for the life of me recall a single Nick scene in Azkaban.

Matt funny:

INT. MATT'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

MATT is on the phone with his business partner JASON.

          JASON
What about the lunchbox?

Matt, perplexed, sits in silence for a long moment before timidly replying:

          MATT
But... you're "Lunchbox!"

FADE TO BLACK.

This screenplay was based on a true story.

Flooded
Aug 20 2003 - 6:08 p.m.

Thank God - THANK GOD - my Matrix experimental flick is finally done and I never have to work on its stupid ass face ever, ever again.

Keeping you media-aware
Aug 20 2003 - 1:19 p.m.

Check out the official Lord of the Rings site for some lovely new teaser posters featuring the principal characters of the final film. I'm still working out whether I can score a Two Towers DVD for the weekend or if I'll be waiting till Tuesday with the rest of the world. Oh, and if you haven't seen the new Matrix Revolutions trailer yet, it's well worth it - it's pretty fuckin' slick. Of course, the slicker the trailer, the suckier the film, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

All those dimensions
Aug 20 2003 - 1:25 a.m.

There's a lot to be said for the era when a) breasts were implant-free, b) porn was shot on film, and c) 3-D was in. Those criteria collided in the summer of '69, and from the acid-addled minds of the great pornographers of the age sprung The Stewardesses, which I caught tonight at the Royal, in all its stereoscopic glory.

Now, when I go to see a 3-D porno movie, I really want to see a massive, ungainly boner sticking straight out of the screen and threatening to poke me in the eye. Because really, what other point (no pun intended) is there for such an exercise? Well, no such luck here. The flick was a largely softcore affair, and ended with a bizarre murder-suicide, but otherwise I give it top marks. The best use of 3-D had the legs of a woman in the missionary position pushing out of the screen and almost kicking me in the face. Besides this, you can't argue with any film (3-D or not) that contains the line "Maybe I'll take a trip of my own, I think I'll drop acid," which is then followed by a lengthy sequence of a girl having sex with a head-shaped lamp.

If they still made porn like this, I'd be a bigger pornoisseur than Mark. Fortunately, they don't....

The Man Without Fear
Aug 19 2003 - 12:12 p.m.

I was just in the shower and I caught a can of shaving cream as it fell from my shower rack. What makes this event blogworthy is that I did it with my eyes closed. I had soap in my eyes, they were scrunched shut, but I heard the sucker slip out of the rack and I just reached over and grabbed it in freefall. Iron my red tights, I'm going out tonight.

I'd start a revolution (if I could get up in the morning)
Aug 19 2003 - 10:31 a.m.

The problem with having a blackout at 4:11 on Thursday and then taking Friday and Monday off is that when you get back, everyone wants a piece of you. I mean everyone. I haven't received so many phone calls or e-mails in my life. I'm sure I could sort through it all with a few days of applied effort. But that's just not my style.

The good news is that I've finally got the soccer team organized for the fall season. It's now officially called Unstoppable Yellow Wall, so I'm sure we'll soon come up with a better nickname that will be the official team name next year. The hunt for players has ceased, and the quest to get rid of players has begun. I guess I should reorganize the team web site...? Meh, too much procrastination to do instead.

Now Linda Cardellini's on E.R., too. Cuz everyone's on E.R. Except me.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Bill...

Every rejection letter I ever receive will be posted here on Tederick.com for all to see because I'm a whiny, pathetic, snotty little monkey tit!!!
Aug 18 2003 - 8:22 p.m.

VCR will not be screening at CinemaTexas this year. Here's why, according to their crack squadron of P.R. hacks:

"I am not going to give you the usual jazz about how many entries we received and how hard it was to choose or how "this is not a reflection on the quality of your film." Yes it was hard, yeah there were a lot, and the choices we make ultimately reflect on us at least as much as they could possibly reflect on your work. Still, at the end of the day, you're the one who took the risk to send us your film and your money, and we're rejecting your film and taking your money, and that hurts."

Yeah, they actually wrote that.

Nah, I don't really care. I saw Mars this weekend and it was damned nifty. I also saw the single biggest fucking shooting star of all time, a goddamned fire trail that lit up the night sky, like something out of Armageddon or something. I tended shadow and flame. I met the adult version of Katie Burgess. I sat in a hammock and listened to music for an entire afternoon. I realized that I will have to make a hella lot of money. Like, a couple million won't cut it.... gonna need billions, preferably gazillions. I fear nothing.

One... More... Step...
Aug 16 2003 - 2:23 p.m.

I gotta get me outta this backwards no-power podunk town. Here's something to keep your whistles wet:

Once again, PJ, exactly as I imagined it.....

Blogging in the Dark
Aug 15 2003 - 1:29 p.m.

That was amazing.

Mark and I rode our bikes through the downtown core after dark last night, which was one of the most unique and memorable experiences of my entire life. Particularly Richmond Street, the club district, which is usually a neon maze at that time of night.... and last night, it was nothing but a slate-and-black graveyard, dead silent, completely empty. The Paramount - surely one of the great abominations of the Toronto landscape - was dark for the first time since the day it opened. And you could see the stars above the towers. Truly, truly like nothing I've ever experienced in my life.

I hope everyone's okay and getting their power back. Mine clicked back in at around 6 in the morning, just after someone at Prick's next door finally snapped and started shrieking about how horrible their life was. Other than that, I remain impressed by Toronto's calm reaction to the crisis. Almost everywhere I went last night, it was just like a giant street party. We know how to deal with states of emergency: an excuse to sit out, take the air, and enjoy yourself.

Okay, the requisite "where were you when's":

The beginning, I was sitting at my computer listening to music and building my Jabba's Palace LEGO set. Since power interruptions are nothing out of the ordinary around here, I just figured it was nothing and that the power would come back on soon. After half an hour I was becoming worried that it wasn't just my place but the block as well, but I continued faithfully building my LEGO and enjoying the peace and quiet. Then Jason shows up and starts throwing rocks at my window, and thusly was I disabused of the notion that this was a local problem.

We visited the darkened convenience store to buy some cold drinks and then sat in his car and heard the extent of the outage, which was the "ZUH?!" moment of all time. Yeah, no one in their right mind can hear that New York is out and not think "terrorist," but after a few more minutes of comforting AM radio, we discerned that no global catastrophe was in the offing, and the party began.

The end was found at Spadina and Bloor, when the lights clicked back on at the end of Mark and I's ride, at around 10:00 p.m. I looked around and then hollered, "DAMMIT, NOW WE HAVE TO OBEY THE LAWS!!" which got a good response from the glad-faced passers-by.

Granted, I still returned home to a darkened, overheated home and many candles, but I couldn't have passed a more enjoyable evening, just hand-writing my journal, reading a book, and eating a really big sandwich made of all the perishables in my fridge.

But there is one thing worth mentioning, and it's the only proselytizing I'll do on the web site regarding this event, but I've spent much of the last week delineating my recent run of bad luck and misfortunes which, earlier this week, conspired to depress me mightily. Well, consider this: if my New York trip hadn't been cancelled last Friday, surely one of the great upsets to have befallen me, I would have rolled into NYC, literally, about fifteen minutes after the blackout hit.

I'm a lucky, lucky man.

There is no Dana, there is only Zoul
Aug 13 2003 - 10:46 a.m.

I can now reveal the top-secret title for the final Star Wars movie:

Star Wars Episode III: Landing Platforms of Doom

As anyone with a Hyperspace membership knows, the entirety of shooting thus far has taken place on any one of several dozens of landing platform sets. Occasionally vehicles are involved; occasionally people just stand around on the platforms, possibly just waiting for vehicles to arrive. They truck from landing platform to landing platform, conversing constantly, never staying long on any one particular platform before sojourning to the next. It will be a riveting, fast-paced tour of the landing platforms of the Star Wars universe. I look forward to it.

How's this for weird: last night I dreamed about Spider-Man 2. Perhaps some portion of my brain is looking forward to it? Alfred Molina was (of course) brilliant as Doctor Octopus but I was tremendously irritated that once again, Spidey chose to remove his mask during the final climactic confrontation. And the webslinging scenes still boasted some of the worst effects to be seen in the past decade. But then again it was only in my head.

So last night I watched Cutthroat Island and drank rum. I drank more rum as the movie went on because it improved the experience significantly. The rum made the movie better, and also, the movie made the rum better. It all worked rather nicely to elevate my mood and drag me out of the morass of gloom that had enveloped me. So that's good. It's funny, though, when I saw CI in theatres I thought to myself, "it isn't bad." Turns out I was slightly inaccurate. Actually, "it isn't good." Whoops!

The reason I don't shake my boxes of Raisin Bran is cuz then, it gets better as it goes along. Like life.

It took me until this week to realize that Frank Darabont, currently writing Indy IV, also wrote my favourite Young Indy: The Phantom Train of Doom. (Yes, more doom.) So, in spite of his spotty Green Mile track record, I suppose that's... good news!

This is also good news: the WB provided my Lana fix for me this morning, a scant twelve hours after I asked for it. Now that's service. Let's try: "I can't wait until I'm on the set of Episode III."

More good news: the rain-drenched Quidditch match is indeed a go for Prisoner of Azkaban. So rain-drenched, in fact, that the kids are getting special wetsuits made to wear under their clothes. Yay rain-drenching!

And because I can't get enough good news: Kevin Smith is now signed to direct Fletch Won. And also Ranger Danger and the Danger Rangers. So I guess Gigli didn't kill his career (by association) after all.

That is the end of the good news. Come and get me Hex-momma! (starts jinxing everything in sight, preemptively...)

Now this is perfect
Aug 12 2003 - 9:40 p.m.

Jeannot Szwarc (Supergirl) is directing an episode of Smallville.

Can you say: BEST EPISODE EVER???

I gotta admit, Smallville is the series I've been missing the most this summer. Gotta wait till Oct 1, though, to get my Lana fix.

Here by my side
Aug 12 2003 - 7:20 p.m.

Concluding what have been seven uninterrupted days of unmitigated catastrophe, my poor camera got sick today. Very sick. So she's going to have to go to Canon sometime this week or next to get looked at. Fortunately I have plenty of rum with which to lubricate the dangling thread of my sanity.

So freaked out was I by this latest disaster that I went to see American Wedding and didn't laugh for the first hour. Then I started laughing, and all was mended. And really, I haven't stopped laughing since.

Not sure I deserved that...
Aug 12 2003 - 11:45 a.m.

I am fully willing to entertain the notion that I am currently the subject of a rather vicious voodoo hex.

Charlie don't surf!
Aug 11 2003 - 10:23 a.m.

Yes, the big news: New York got pooched. It ain't happening this weekend. I may go to my aunt's cottage instead. But no New York for me. Will I never see the Big Apple? Woe is me. I love apples.

Boy, you really like Sparrow... I thought Hunter would at least have a fighting chance. But then, as Jack would say, "...pirate!"

I think this guy said it best:

Yes. Yes I am.

All right let's just get this out of the way
Aug 10 2003 - 12:22 p.m.

I really afford you people too much control over my life, but what the hell. Vote in the poll. Vote in the poll. Vote. Now. Go.

Please note that "some unholy combination of the two" is not an acceptable answer.

Pros for the pair:

Sparrow

• Really challenging costume
• Fun voice
• Matt in dreadlocks = good times
• Get to drink rum

Thompson

• Easy costume
• Fun voice
• Matt bald = good times
• Get to smoke cigarettes

Make thy choice.

Who is this bastard?!
Aug 10 2003 - 11:22 a.m.

Mike Newell has been announced as the director of Goblet of Fire. Bastard. Oh I'm sure he's actually a lovely man and British and all that but still... bastard. At least we get to keep the kids for another throw. But man, what a bastard.

So wait a minute: Episode III, Indy IV, and Goblet all in the same year? I'd like to officially announce my retirement....

The Brown Man
Aug 9 2003 - 10:11 a.m.

Well well well. Look what Lego dropped on us today: Lando, in Lego form. It turns out that after all this time, all this endless debate, the yellow Lego mini-figs are indeed meant to represent white folk. The company has now apparently decided to create racial segregation amongst the Lego populace, and has begun producing brown Lando's. Which is both good... and kinda creepy. I would have been more than happy with a yellow Lando figure... and a yellow Mace figure... so long as it preserved the notion that in Legoland, there are no racial boundaries. But hey, whatever. Maybe now they'll do a Shaft set, with a Shaft minifig, a naked brown girl, a naked yellow girl, and a whole lotta guns.

The Blue Clone
Aug 8 2003 - 2:59 p.m.

Yes, I am the Blue Clone. But that's not what I'm writing about. I'm writing about this:

Memorize that face, because that's my 400th Star Wars Action Figure. He is both blue and cloney. And that's all right with me.

Looking back, I find that coincidentally, a clone trooper was my 300th figure as well. Wacky!

When I hit 500, I will actually drag out all the figures, and reenact the entire Star Wars saga (doing all the voices myself), with music and a few on-set pyrotechnics. And no, you can't watch.

You've obviously never been to Singapore
Aug 7 2003 - 5:45 p.m.

Because he is the man these days, here's Johnny Depp in Once Upon a Time in Mexico.

THE MAN!!

But I can't bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesies, savvy?
Aug 7 2003 - 1:42 p.m.

A pirate's life for me: I finally have a DVD of The Making of The Empire Strikes Back. Arrrrrrrrrrhhh!

I shall dress as Captain Jack Sparrow for Labour Day.

The only political comment you'll read on Tederick.com this year
Aug 7 2003 - 11:02 a.m.

Thank God: Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for Governor of California. Thank God. Now we're getting somewhere. The Terminator is going to run a whole damned state. He wore a suit with no tie. He said "Hasta la vista, baby." This is government the way it oughta be. Because he's the fucking Terminator... and he's going to terminate everyone. Or something. This is progress. It also means that Terminator 3 will be his last movie. What a legacy! What a career! Let's take a moment and pause to reflect on the rippling biceps of Arnie, from Conan to Commando, from Terminator to Total Recall. Let's consider what's being left behind here.

Does this mean that Ranier Wolfcastle will try to depose Mayor Quimby? Meh. We'll see.

Happy Nini Day!

That was the end of Grogan: The man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible
Aug 6 2003 - 2:59 p.m.

Adam called me just now because I got a letter at my parents' house from the Attorney General of California. Fearing that somehow my cell phone had alerted the Californian authorities, I had him open it... but instead of a subpoena, it was just a thank-you for my fraud complaint against AnotherUniverse.com. Now that I've received so much attention for my fraud complaint, I'm feeling like it's time to make another one. Perhaps against those damned penis enlargement e-mails I receive? Cuz that was fraudulant, man, totally fraudulant. I read 'em and nothing grew, not even an inch.

BUT WHY IS THE RUM GONE?!
Aug 6 2003 - 10:56 a.m.

Get out yer spending finger: Paramount has confirmed the execrable-yet-oh-so-goofily-lovable Voyager on DVD for next year, followed by (unconfirmed) Classic Trek in 2005, in nice boxed sets the way it should have been in the beginning. So let's have a look at some of the highlights of Matt's spending in the next four months:

• The Two Towers - Theatrical Cut
• The Two Towers - Super Extendo Bonus Disk Gollum Statue Set
• The Simpsons - Season Three
• E.R. - Season One
• Angel - Season Two
• DS9 - Season Five
• DS9 - Season Six
• DS9 - Season Seven
• The X Files - Season Eight
• Alien boxed set
• Indiana Jones Trilogy
• James Bond Vol. 2
• James Bond Vol. 3
• Buffy - Season Five
• Firefly - Season One

Yeah. That's like fifteen hundred dollars. Yeah.

ARRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHH!!!

Getting my Fray today... Yay Fray! Yay Fray! And yes, Mr. Procrastination Himself Joss Whedon is bandying about rumours of doing a second Fray series. Which he oughta conclude sometime in 2009, at this rate.

The world is better with pirates in it
Aug 5 2003 - 12:31 p.m.

This is wayyyyy better than the Pirate Name Generator:

Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow's bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you?

I'm, thankfully, "Welcome to the Caribbean, love." And they say this about me: "You're more than a little world-weary, but also intelligent and you keep your head when things get dodgy. You're everybody's favorite drinking buddy, but your stubbornness does get in the way sometimes."

ARRRRRRHHH!!

Big Rubbery One
Aug 5 2003 - 10:26 a.m.

Forgot to mention the other day, in my "jinx" love-in, my fondness for the phrase "jinxing everything in site" from Goblet of Fire. I love that phrase.

It's August the fifth, which means it's high time I posted my review of Deep Space Nine: Season Four. Boy, it's a good thing I write these things in advance.

I actually thought Kristanna Loken was rather pretty, until I read this. You really are what you eat.

Rye & Ginger
Aug 4 2003 - 11:34 p.m.

I must offer a formal apology to the (admittedly fictional) character of Delia Fisher. When I was in high school, my friends and I were thoroughly and utterly disgusted by Delia Fisher. She was the aesthetic antichrist in every single respect. Now, looking back, I see how mean-spirited that viewpoint was, and I would like to apologize to the bouncy tiny person with the fashion sense of a deceased lab rabbit. I'm sure you're doing just fine.

Bah. I accidentally spoiled myself on Spike's return on Angel. Gotta admit it surprised me... but in the long run it's probably a braver choice than I was expecting. It nicely preserves "the stakes," as it were, no pun intended, although boy I wish I'd thought of the pun possibilities before I got married to the use of the term "stakes." I did not mean "stakes" in the vampiric sense. Okay? God I wish I hadn't written that now. It's all confused. I guess that's what the delete key is for, but my head kinda hurts and I just wanna go to bed, so you must live with my train of thought bearing down on the tied-up schoolmarm that is your happiness.

Tuna on Toast
Aug 4 2003 - 5:15 p.m.

After yesterday's spate of procrastination I got my ass in gear and finished my neighbour movie, a.k.a. Sensitivity. Rather pleased with myself (and it) I must say. It has nudity, a car crash, and irritating sound design. Kind of like Punch-Drunk Love, only with nudity.

This has to be the first time in my life I've finished a film project a whole month before a deadline. Take that, MacLean!

(MacLean was chosen at random. I could also have said "Take that, Tebby!")

Okay, so now I have to finish Deluge, I agree, but.... meh. I've got a rough cut in place, I just don't want to have to do all the damned effects.

And I don't want to jinx anything, but something else that has been long in coming is also pretty much coasting to a conclusion. But to say more would be to jinx mightily. JINX JINX JINX JINX JINX! Boy I love that word. Ever since the red-garbed female ninja named Jinx on G.I.Joe.

And lastly: finished Season Seven of The X Files, which means I've run fresh out of DVDs. Going to be watching Twin Peaks for the first time in my life.

Peach Pancakes
Aug 3 2003 - 2:07 p.m.

I finished (re) reading Return of the King yesterday, as it has been my custom to read each book the summer before their movie hits the screens to refresh my memory and get the juices flowing. Well they're flowing. They're flowing like a son of a bitch. They're flowing so hard, that I've now scoured the internet and finally tracked down the preview for ROTK that was leaked on TheOngRing.net last week, for all of eleven seconds before it was yanked.

"....Preciousssss.... will be ours....."

I admire my scour-skills.

Otherwise, I'm a lazy son of a bitch. The weather's kind of precluded my working on my neighbour movie... and I've got other things to sort through (not least of which is the long-overdue Matrix flick), but I'm not really doin' any of 'em. A bold new beginning this is!

Today's Survivor-related "ewwwww": sweet Jewish boy millionaire Ethan Zohn is dating evil WASP queen millionaire Jenna Morasca. EWWWWW!!

Knowing is half the battle, but fortunately the other half involves guns, missiles, tanks, and plenty o' killing
Aug 1 2003 - 1:10 a.m.

Tonight I fired my dentist. Yes, "I fired my dentist." A phrase I can honestly say I have never heard used by anyone, ever.

Also: my cell phone called the police. The key guard was on, I never laid a hand on the thing, yet at 12:36 in the a.m., the call log clearly shows the phone calling the police. It just went ahead and did it. The goddamn thing alerted the authorities, man. Those same authorities called me back a few moments later, wondering what was the what-now. I could only grin sheepishly. Boy, if I ever did drugs. Boy.

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