a complete history of the Keramidas family
in the 20th Century

Introduction

This document was originally authored in an attempt to correlate the various references to the life of Stanley J. Keramidas, as made in the Infinitely Brown movies. Once the factual dates were established, further events were set in place through conjecture, and detail was painted in where necessary to explain various character traits and motivations. The result was a (surprisingly) detailed study of over one hundred years of Stanley's life and those of his forebears.... and the story, of course, continues.

Keramidas Kronology I traces the complete history of the Keramidas family (comprised of Armando, Orgasmo, Cosmo, Ed, Chrissy, Richard, Stanley, and various others) in the 20th Century, following their movements from their origins in the Mediterranean, through their emigration to Canada, and their eventual ascendence to become one of Toronto's premier families.

This document is authoritative in that all events are either canonically referenced, or have been drawn up by Stanley's creator as part of his backstory.

A Note on Canonical Sources

Canonical sources for this history are limited to the content of the Infinitely Brown motion pictures, and any other motion picture material wherein Stanley may have played a part or have been referenced. The significant sources for this reference are "Stanley's Life," "Stanley's Christmas Carol," "Four Royal Flushes" (versions 2.0 and 3.0), the two "Bone Daddy" films, the four Stanley "trailers" (improvized comedy segments featuring Stanley talking about his life), "Stanley and Bone Daddy's Mission of Peace," the two "Indiana Jones" birthday movies, "Nasal Warts," "Night of the Centipedes," and "Baby-Stealin' Gypsies."

Material from sources other than the Infinitely Brown motion pictures has been included in this history to flesh out the existing facts. Among these sources:

• "Keramidas" - The various drafts of the screenplay for a feature film which explores the Keramidas legacy. This script was constructed to deal both in a present-day Stanley storyline, and extensive flashbacks of his origins. As a source, "Keramidas" is only partially utilized here. Some elements of its narrative are included (the historical events, invaluable for fleshing out the Keramidas line), while the various "present-day" storyline elements (such as the death of Stanley's father, Cosmo Keramidas) are not included, as they have not canonically "happened yet." They may someday appear in an Infinitely Brown Production in some form.
  
  
• "A Pound of Flesh" - The first draft of the screenplay for a feature film, in which Stanley plays a large role. Here, too, the "present-day" elements (involving the flight of Stanley's daughter to a remote island with her young lover, and Stanley's subsequent imprisonment for usury) are largely left out of this canon, as they might yet someday be mined for a future production.

The Kronology

Pre History

The Keramidas Klan populated the Mediterranean area for approximately five hundred years. Various strains of the bloodline could be found in Italy and Greece dating from the early 1400s to the early 1900s.

Little is known about the family before this period, although this may be in part due to the fact that the name "Keramidas" is almost certainly an artificial creation adopted by the family circa 1490. It is unclear whether the name is derived from a previous family name, is an amalgamation of several family names, or is a spontaneous creation.

The Early 1900s

• Armando Keramidas and his brother, Orgasmo, leave their home in Greece to seek their fortunes in the wide world. They would inhabit many areas of the Mediterranean, never settling down. Orgasmo would go on to set up a condom shack in Egypt. Armando would become a rogue fortune-hunter, working his way around the Mediterranean, fighting the good fight.
  Conjecture. Some elements of the brothers' Mediterranean adventures appear in "Keramidas."

1909

• Cosmo D. Keramidas is born in the Tuscany region of Italy. He is the son of Armando Keramidas and an Italian wench that Armando met in his travels. His uncle is Orgasmo Keramidas, a noted stud.
  Conjecture.
  
  
• Shortly after Cosmo's birth, Armando leaves Tuscany to continue to earn his living. He sends the money he earns home to support his new family.
  "Keramidas."

1912

• Armando Keramidas is summoned back to Italy by his neighbours, and finds that his bride (Cosmo's mother) has died. He takes full custody of Cosmo.
  
  
• April 10th. Armando Keramidas and Cosmo board the RMS Titanic, en route to the New World from the Old Country. Orgasmo accompanies them to help his brother establish himself.
  Conjecture. It seems reasonable that the Keramidas clan would have been part of the exodus preceding the first World War.
  
  
• April 14th. The Titanic sinks. The Keramidas clan finishes the journey by swimming.
  "Keramidas." There is a strong suggestion that Orgasmo's fondness for masturbation, coupled with the extraordinary strength of his ejaculation, was at least partially responsible for the disaster.
  
  
• Armando buys a ranch in Penetanguishene, Ontario, and names it Keramidas Ranch. The family settles there, on the periphery of Muskoka County. The family is not considered good enough to be part of the actual Muskoka County.
  Elements from "Keramidas" and "Stanley's 60th Birthday," also conjecture. The establishment of Keramidas Ranch is of central importance to the Keramidas lore.

1919

• Cosmo, on his tenth birthday, is wandering through the woods when he has a vision of the divine. He vows on that day to spend the rest of his life serving God.
  "Keramidas." Cosmo's religious epiphany was strikingly similar to Moses' seeing the burning bush.

1921

• Chrissy De Silva, Stanley's mother, is born. She lives in the United States, spending a lot of time in New Orleans and New York.
  Conjecture. Assumes she was 19 when she met Cosmo in 1940.

1924

• Armando Keramidas takes a second wife, a simple-minded Ontario peasant girl. They conceive a child together, and eight months later, Ed Keramidas is born prematurely at Keramidas ranch. He is the second son of Armando Keramidas, and is Cosmo's half-brother. In early childhood, Ed's intellectual development is severely stunted by significant reefer usage, enforced by his father.
  "Keramidas" and "Baby-Stealin' Gypsies." Ed was 18 at the time of the movie.

1927

• Cosmo Keramidas leaves Keramidas Ranch and enters the priesthood.
  Conjecture. Assumes he was 18 at time of admittance.
  
  
• Orgasmo Keramidas, having succeeded in nailing the entire female population of Penetanguishene, returns to the Old Country. He buys a villa in Tuscany and lives out the rest of his days there.
  Conjecture. Orgasmo is currently an old man living in Italy, though he hasn't yet appeared in any film.

1939

• Armando Keramidas' second wife dies in a bizarre jeep accident. Besotted with grief, Armando leaves Keramidas Ranch to his son, Ed, who is now fifteen. Armando takes up residence in a studio apartment in Toronto. He soon takes up with an underground fascist movement and is shot for attempting to bribe a female RCMP officer with sexual favours.
  Conjecture. Upon Cosmo and Chrissy's arrival at the Ranch in 1940, Armando had moved out and left it to Ed. We've never seen him again, so we'll assume he died.

1940

• Cosmo Keramidas is a promising young preacher and local gadabout when he meets Chrissy De Silva, age 19, at a nightclub in New York. Despite clerical restrictions, Cosmo and Chrissy immediately conceive a child in a sudden burst of sexual passion (marred by poor contraception choices, specifically the use of a Cadbury Crunchie bar wrapper as a condom). In order to hide the pregnancy from the church (and thereby prevent a scandal that would destroy his career), Cosmo secrets Chrissy away at Keramidas Ranch, making her his common-law wife.
  "Keramidas." A significant portion of the second act of the film deals with the conception and birth of Stanley.
  This script element was drawn from the following conjecture: Stanley is "a bastard," therefore his parents weren't married. He is also the "son of a preacher man," dictating Cosmo's employment, and why Chrissy's pregnancy would have been kept a secret. Keramidas Ranch was established in "Gypsies" and is the most likely place they'd go, and raise their son (and eventually, conceive their second child). Richard was established as Stanley's brother in "Stanley's Life." Although the events of "Baby-Stealin' Gypsies" seem to indicate that Stanley is the younger Keramidas brother, Richard is in fact the youngest. Chrissy was pregnant with Richard during the events of "BSG" and would eventually mail the baby back to Keramidas Ranch after her disappearance.
  
  
• Ed encounters a new ranch hand, named Lucas. Discovering that they both enjoy reefer and fellatio, they become homosexual lovers.
  Conjecture. The "Ed & Lucas In Love" sequence is one of the great unfilmed episodes of IBP history, and appeared in the original script for "Keramidas."

1942

• Stanley J. Keramidas is born at Keramidas Ranch in Canada on July 17, 1942. He is the first illegitimate child of Cosmo and Chrissy.
  "Stanley's 60th Birthday" establishes Stanley's official date of birth. Original characterization placed Stanley's age in 1997 at 58, and this concurs with a line from "Pound of Flesh" which indicates that he was 41 in 1980, putting his birth in 1939. However, the date was moved into the 1940s because that's where I wanted it. July 17th, being the date we premiered "Centipede," seemed appropriate.
  
  
• Chrissy, now in the depths of a severe neurosis, force-feeds baby Stanley, chanting the maxim, "Eat, you fat motherfucker!" Stanley would later develop a significant eating disorder based on this childhood trauma.
  "Stanley's Life." Eating disorder taken from the fact that Richard remains preternaturally thin to this day, while Stanley... well, you know.
  
  
• Chrissy often wakes baby Stanley by throwing buckets of ice-cold water on his face. Stanley would later develop a significant sleeping disorder based on this childhood trauma.
  "Bone Daddy and the Fourth Reich." Stanley reacts to having a bucket of water thrown on his face with the spluttered words, "Momma! Momma!"
  
  
• "Stanley's Life" (1942 sequences)
  Stanley has become addicted to cigarettes, and often refuses milk in favour of smokes. He is also the world-record holder for youngest infant able to master the subtleties of human speech, at age 3 weeks. Cosmo and Chrissy's ad-hoc marriage, meanwhile, is already showing signs of breaking down. Chrissy's neuroses are reaching a boiling point.
  Editor's note: This sequence doesn't seem to be set at Keramidas Ranch (because we hadn't invented it yet). Maybe they were visiting the city?
  
  
• In spite of severe marital stress, Cosmo and Chrissy continue to enjoy a whirlwind sex-life as an outgrowth of their ferociously love-hate relationship. Richard Keramidas is conceived in one of their playful jaunts, only months after the birth of Stanley.
  Conjecture. Must precede the events of "Baby-Stealin' Gypsies," but follow the events of "Stanley's Life." "Keramidas" holds that Cosmo and Chrissy could go from fighting to fucking in half a sentence or so, often right in front of the baby.
  
  
• "Baby-Stealin' Gypsies."
  Stanley is stolen by a wandering gypsy. Chrissy is driven to complete distraction by the event, suffering a neurotic breakdown from the compounded stress of her life with the Keramidas clan. She flees the scene altogether, and thereby exits from the life of her son. At the time of her departure, she was unaware that she was carrying a second Keramidas bastard. Meanwhile, Cosmo leads his half-brother, Ed, and Ed's homosexual lover, Lucas, on a hunt to find Stanley and the gypsy. The baby-stealing gypsy is destroyed by a flying saucer. Stanley survives, but spends several weeks being raised by a protective family of jackals, before Cosmo finally retrieves him while visiting the woods to masturbate.
  Editor's Note: "Baby-Stealin' Gypsies" takes significant license with its own timeframe. The opening sequence is a parody of early 1900s films, the middle sequence steals visual clues from Vietnam films, and the finale is based on 1950s science fiction B-movies. Of course, since Baby Stanley is a newborn, it must have occurred in 1942.
  
  
• Chrissy Keramidas takes up a life of boozing and whoring in New Orleans. She eventually takes a position as a singer in a two-bit nightclub, and for all we know, works there still.
  "Baby-Stealin' Gypsies." Chrissy's recovered career as a singer established in "Pound of Flesh."

1943

• Chrissy Keramidas gives birth to Richard Keramidas, the second Keramidas bastard. Not wanting to deal with the pressures of child-rearing and her burgeoning career at the same time, she mails the baby back to Keramidas Ranch. He arrives unscathed.
  Conjecture. "Stanley's Life" and "Baby-Stealin' Gypsies" contradict each other in terms of the ages of the Keramidas bastards, but I prefer Stanley to be the older. This little bit of trickery was concocted to keep the ages straight. Explanations, explanations!

1944

• Cosmo's half-brother, Ed, has a one-night heterosexual fling with a woman, who conceives a child. Lucas forgives him, and the gay couple raises the baby, Stanley's cousin. The child would later develop a stinging case of nasal warts.
  Conjecture. Stanley's cousin established in "Nasal Warts," and Ed is Cosmo's only sibling. We doubt it could have been a sibling of Chrissy, because she disappeared from the Keramidas clan when Stanley was only a baby. The identity of Ed's lover, and why she would willingly abandon her offspring to a reefer-addled homosexual couple, remains to be seen.

1950

• Cosmo Keramidas leaves Keramidas Ranch with his two sons, Stanley and Richard. He buys an inexpensive yet comfortable dwelling in Toronto and arranges for the boys' schooling. Cosmo becomes the minister of a local congregation, which he would build, over the next 50 years, to be one of the most respectable in the city.
  Conjecture from "Keramidas" and various other sources, owing to the fact that Stanley and Richard spent most of their upbringing in the city, not at the Ranch. Cosmo's decade-long decline from favour with the Church finally ends at this point, and the renewed success of his pastoral career is examined in "Keramidas."
  
  
• Ed and Lucas retain sole ownership of Keramidas Ranch, and live there still.
  Conjecture.

1951

• Stanley, age 8, is greeted by a school chum his age, a pretty girl named Marlene. He throws a cup of hot coffee in her face.
  "Stanley's Life."

1953

• Stanley, age 11, begins to enter puberty. He, and several of his school mates, are amazed by the size and stability of Stanley's mid-pubescent penis. His love of his own phallus leads to an early and passionate love of masturbation. He is caught on numerous occasions in the act of self-gratification by his father, Cosmo. After discussing several options with various doctors (including permanent hand-to-posterior adhesion), Cosmo decides it is time for Stanley to have his little friend removed. Stanley's preternaturally large penis is completely severed, but his testicles are left intact.
  "A Message from Stanley J. Keramidas." Stanley details the events of his penile removal at age 11. The early size of the Keramidas penis is conjecture, based on numerous factors of Keramidas physiology and psychology.

1960

• Through Stanley's pubertal years (ages 11-18), the previously useless nub where his penis had been severed, begins to grow fresh cells. The resulting "penoid," though hardly the bastion of phallic size that his natural penis had been, is somewhat functional, if depressingly small.
  Conjecture. Despite Stanley's assurances in "Message" that his penis has been removed, it turns up on at least four more occasions in the IBP mythos: his intent to have sex with Ethel, his loss of virginity to a prostitute, the bizarre sexual circumstances that result in his conception of a child in 1980, and his sexual relationship with his fiancée Maureen in 2000. Based on the fact that Stanley's testicles remained intact after the penis-removal operation, therefore, it is reasonable to conclude that enough testosterone was present to allow for some penile regeneration. The idea that the new penis is embarrassingly small, of course, fits with our whole concept of the man.
  
  
• Stanley begins enters post-secondary education in Toronto and eventually completes an MBA at a business school.
  Discarded material from "Stanley's 60th Birthday." Stanley holds an MBA, and entered the post-secondary educational world immediately after his graduation from high school.

1963

• Stanley begins dating a girl named Ethel. They become fairly close, although Ethel informs Stanley that she is saving herself for marriage. In ensuing months, Stanley repeatedly proves to be an enormous embarrassment to Ethel, and she ponders ending the relationship.
  "Stanley's Christmas Carol." Since Stanley eventually needed a prostitute to lose his virginity, we must assume that he and Ethel never became intimate. The mounting sense of desperation indicated by his eventual choice makes it more likely that his breakup with Ethel was one of the contributing factors.
  
  
• December. Stanley and Ethel visit Jed's Christmas Ornaments, the founding business in what would become the vast WyCo Conglomerate corporate empire (and the corporate arch-nemesis of Stanley's own KeramidasCo). Stanley is involved in a fracas which results in the destruction of several wares. Ethel, overcome with embarrassment, abruptly ends the relationship and runs out on Stanley. Store proprietor Jed Wyman ejects Stanley from the establishment, concluding with the pithy rejoinder "Have a nice day." Stanley would later recall that this was when Christmas was ruined for him.
  "Stanley's Christmas Carol." Assumes Stanley was 21 at the time. This is where Stanley's favourite catchphrase first entered his lexicon, though he would eventually forget that he picked it up from Wyman.
  
  
• Immediately following the above incident, Ethel, her eyes blurred by her own tears, is run down by a speeding bus while leaving Jed's Christmas Ornaments.
  From an early draft of "Stanley's Life," suggesting that Ethel's grudge went deeper than "Christmas Carol" may have suggested.
  Editor's Note: This original draft had the wheelchair-bound (and extraordinarily bitter) Ethel playing a major role in the events on Gilcrest Island in 1992, actually becoming the third member of the heroic team that now only includes Stanley and Axelrod.

1964

• Stanley, in desperation, hires a prostitute to lose his virginity.
  "Stanley's Life." Since he and Ethel never consummated their relationship, and since that relationship was probably the last chance for Stanley's sex life, we can assume that his desperation broke shortly thereafter. The sequence appears in "SL."
  
  
• Stanley, age 22, summers in Greece, cavorting his way through a European culture that places less taboo around the human body.
  Conjecture. We have photographic evidence, provided by Adam Brown, who conducted some archival research on the Keramidas clan while visiting the Mediterranean in 2003.
  
  
• Stanley, fresh out of business school, apprentices at the establishment of one George Hornstopper. He is fired three months later for excessive sleeping on the job.
  Conjecture from "Stanley's Life." Assumes that Stanley has recurring nightmares about his incidents with Hornstopper. George Hornstopper appears in the flesh in "Kit Kat," still terrorizing his employees, although we do not see Stanley in that instance.
  
  
• Having been fired by Hornstopper, Stanley starts his own business. It is among the first companies in Canada to manufacture lambskin condoms. This toe-hold in the world of high finance would be the first in a string of many successful business enterprises for Stanley.
  Discarded material from "Stanley's 60th Birthday."
  
  
• December. Ethel, now a drunken quadriplegic, sends Stanley a Christmas card, inviting him to go to hell.
  "Stanley's Christmas Carol."

The mid-1960s

• Stanley many successful businesses form the basis for his hugely successful, multinational conglomerate, KeramidasCo. He becomes very wealthy and builds himself a castle-like home in Toronto, which he names Fatsanadu. His brother, Richard, and father, Cosmo, move in with him.
  Conjecture from "Stanley's Life," where we see Stanley and Richard living at Stanley's Toronto home when Richard decides to go to Vietnam. Cosmo's presence in the dwelling is established in "Keramidas." Both KeramidasCo and Fatsanadu are an important part of the lore.
  
  
• Stanley becomes a fan of the French New Wave cinema, citing the works of Godard and Truffaut as being particularly influential.
  "Stanley's 60th Birthday."

1969

• The Vietnam war begins. Richard Keramidas, now 26, enlists. On the day of his departure, his brother convinces him to stay behind.
  "Stanley's Life."
  Editor's Note: An early draft of the script had Richard actually going to Vietnam, and Stanley following him, and saving his life. I still want to do that scene, so it's possible that Richard changed his mind again and actually did go to Vietnam. In "Keramidas," Stanley does indeed rescue Richard from Vietnam, but not before Richard has lost a testicle in battle.

1971

• Stanley buys Keramidas Ranch, but allows Ed and Lucas to remain on the land as caretakers.
  Conjecture.

1978

• Axelrod Pube, future sidekick to Stanley, is born.
  "Stanley's Life." Assumes he was 14 in 1992.

1980

• Stanley gives birth to a daughter, Jessica. The mechanics of conception, gestation, and the birth itself remain a medical mystery... and a medical miracle.
  "Pound of Flesh." Since we've never encountered Jessica in a movie, we're not sure if she really exists. However, this tidbit is just too juicy to leave out.

1985

• Stanley, caught in the diet-crazy haze of the mid-'80s, consults a dietician. The dietician strongly urges that Stanley attempt to lose weight, citing no advantages to carrying around an insulating wall of fat.
  Conjecture from "Stanley's Life."

1991

• Patrick buys life insurance from Norwich Union, and becomes so excited that he phones his parents to tell them about it. His mother, Edith, suffers her first attack of Edith's Freezing Syndrome.
  "Norwich Union." Since Edith's husband (still unnamed) really wigs out, we can assume this was the first time she ever froze. And since we haven't run into any other Freezers on the street, I think it's fairly safe to assume that Edith is the first and last diagnosed case of this disease, thereby giving it its name.
  Editor's Note: We've included this tidbit about Edith because of her importance to the overall Infinitely Brown mythology.
  
  
• Stanley runs down a hill. He falls over the edge of a bridge. He learns two important lessons: the laws of momentum, and not to run.
  "Stanley's Life." We're putting this event in 1991, because Stanley wasn't going anywhere by "Four Royal Flushes" (1992).
  
  
• Stanley hits 290 pounds. He throws a party.
  Conjecture from "Stanley's Life." Given that he has just given up running, it seems likely that his mass would have hit a spurt right about now.
  Editor's Note: One wonders why Stanley chose such an insignificant number as 290 to be the grounds to throw a party. 300 or 250 would probably have been more significant. Maybe he teetered at 289 for years and years, vowing to celebrate if he ever broke into the 90s?
  Another Editor's Note: The party sequence exists in the script for Stanley's Life, but was never filmed, mostly due to money and the lack of a good number of extras. Stanley and his guests were to perform a conga line to the tune of "Macarena."
  
  
• Axelrod tries to talk to a girl. He spontaneously urinates on himself.
  "Stanley's Life." Assuming that Axelrod would have started to talk to girls upon hitting puberty, which the best textbooks tell us begins around 13.

1992

• Stanley is involved in a fracas at Denver International Airport when a plane on which he was travelling is forced to make an emergency landing there. The thin Colorado air takes a heavy toll on Stanley, who must be carried off the plane by a phalanx of attractive stewardesses.
  "Stanley and Bone Daddy's Mission of Peace." Must have occurred after the 290 Party, and probably sometime around Stanley's employment in Oklahoma, as the memory of that job seems to jog his recollection of the Colorado Incident.
  
  
• Stanley consults his doctor about the Colorado Incident. His doctor informs Stanley that his mass has reached 300 pounds, making him clinically obese.
  Conjecture from "Stanley and Bone Daddy's Mission of Peace."
  
  
• Stanley works in Oklahoma.
  "A Message from Stanley J. Keramidas." We don't know when Stanley takes this job or what he does, or how it is connected to KeramidasCo, but we do know that he returns to Toronto by the fall of this year.
  
  
• Larry the Psycho constructs a massive underground nuclear reactor inside Gilcrest Island, an island in Muskoka. He is assisted in this, through both funds, resources and the provision of a base camp, by billionaire entrepreneur Jed Wyman. 400 people live on the island.
  Prior to "Stanley's Life" (1992 sequences).
  
  
• August 19. Axelrod, now a young geek of 14, visiting Muskoka with his parents, goes for a stroll around sundown.
  Just prior to "Stanley's Life" (1992 sequences).
  
  
• "Stanley's Life" (1992 sequences)
  August 19th. Larry the Psycho makes final preparations of his Gilcrest Island Bomb. Stanley J. Keramidas, sent back in time from 1995 by the ghost of Edith, emerges near Gilcrest Island, at the summer home of Jed Wyman. Wyman's cottage is serving as the entry port to the vast maze of tunnels, which Larry has built around his bomb. Stanley attempts to bluff his way past Wyman by posing as a charity worker named Earl O'Sulliwockey, but is recognized from his earlier dealings with the corporate magnate. Wyman orders the Mean Penetanguishene to murder Stanley, but the bastard is saved by Axelrod. Axelrod and Stanley team up, and fight their way past Wyman, into the maze of tunnels. Stanley and Axelrod emerge on Gilcrest Island and camp for the night. In the ensuing conversation, Stanley irrevocably changes Axel's life for the better.
  
  August 20. Stanley dispatches Axelrod to evacuate the island, and goes to face Larry the Psycho at the final juncture point for his bomb system, deep in the forest. During the fight, Stanley is stabbed in the belly. Larry flees, not realizing that Stanley is well-padded in that region. Stanley takes Larry's advice about bringing a weapon when he wants to kill someone. Axelrod succeeds in evacuating the island. Only one man remains, inexplicably playing the guitar while others run. Rather than leaving with the other cottagers, Axelrod conceals himself in a tree and pounces on Larry the Psycho as he attempts to get to his boat. Axelrod is easily overpowered, but he buys Stanley valuable time. Stanley pursues Larry the Psycho by land and by sea, finally dragging himself onto Larry's getaway boat and maneuvering it into Maureen's Bald Rock. The boat is destroyed, and Larry is thrown clear, losing grip of his detonator, thereby foiling his plan. Stanley is transported back to the future.
  Editor's Note: One wonders where the contemporary Stanley was during all of this, although wherever he was, we can be certain he didn't give a fuck. He may still have been working in Oklahoma. In the original version of history, Gilcrest Island was destroyed on August 20, 1992.
  
  
• Axelrod alerts authorities to the presence of the bomb beneath Gilcrest Island, and it is safely and permanently deactivated. Larry the Psycho flees into obscurity.
  Conjecture from "Stanley's Life."
  
  
• "Four Royal Flushes." (version 2.0)
  Stanley engages in a poker game with three other men. All four players are dealt royal flushes. The universe subsequently comes to an end.
  
  
• All of creation somehow reformulates itself, including Stanley.
  Conjecture, after "Four Royal Flushes." Although one wonders if the events in this movie actually took place (given the drastic nature of the outcome), they have been included here, as this particular occasion (of course) marked the introduction of the character in his first Infinitely Brown motion picture.
  Editor's Note: One should also note that the events of "Four Royal Flushes" have occurred before, roundabout the middle of 1991. At that point, too, the universe was destroyed but somehow continues to exist. Perhaps these projected cataclysms were not as horrible as we thought.

1993

• "Nasal Warts."
  Stanley goes to the doctor, and based on conversations overheard in the waiting room, becomes concerned that he may have contracted nasal warts. He conducts a self-examination.
  
  
• "Indiana Jones and the Secret of Net."
  Stanley is nearly run down by a running archeologist.
  
  
• The Powers That Be decide to give Stanley a chance to redeem his Christmas Spirit, and dispatch the Ghost of Christmas Past, Present and Future to Stanley's home.
  Prior to "Stanley's Christmas Carol." The involvement of the Powers That Be in this event was established in "Stanley's Life."
  
  
• "Stanley's Christmas Carol."
  December 24th. Stanley is involved in a fracas with Edith in which, through Stanley's actions, Edith's family home is destroyed in a gas explosion. Stanley, unperturbed, continues to his office and fires his assistant, Mickey. That night, Stanley opens fire on innocent Christmas carollers, before going to bed. After going to bed, Stanley is visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, Present and Future, who takes him on a retrospective journey through his lifetime.
  
  December 25th. Upon awakening, Stanley finds himself a new man, healed of his hatred of Christmas. Though nobody, least of all Stanley, realizes it at the time, this love of Christmas has translated into a love of his fellow man.
  "Stanley's Life" establishes that the Christmas visit did more than just make him love the holidays.
  
  
• December 25th. The Millers die. Inexplicably, it is Edith's son, Patrick, who collects the insurance money.
  "Stanley's Christmas Carol."
  
  
• Stanley re-hires his assistant, Mickey.
  Conjecture. Assumes that since we saw Stanley and Mickey reunited in "Stanley's Life," Stanley must have hired the boy back, probably as part of his holiday good cheer.
  
  
• Edith vows revenge on Stanley.
  "Stanley's Life." We don't know how long Edith spent setting up her disastrous plan for revenge.

1994

• Stanley cat-calls a passing babe, and is promptly zapped by a stun-gun.
  "Stanley's Life." Stanley is roughly at his 1994 stage of evolution. This could well be the last contact he had with a female in the 20th century.
  
  
• November. Stanley takes his vacation at Lake Simcoe. Unbeknownst to Stanley, Edith has concocted a plan to avenge herself upon him for destroying her home. She submerges herself in the lake to jump out and murder him, but freezes to death before he arrives.
  "Stanley's Life." Since "Fate of Dietrich" took place in the later days of November, we assume that Stanley's vacation probably fell before it.
  
  
• "Indiana Jones and the Fate of Dietrich."
  Stanley narrowly avoids collision with a running archeologist. He is subsequently hit by a speeding vehicle. Later, while visiting the fortress of Daara Ram, Stanley (at the behest of a passing, startlingly beautiful freedom fighter) performs a strip-tease for a guard. His grotesque form causes her to end her life rather than face the rest of her days with the image of Stanley's naked body tattooed on her brain. The next day, Stanley, inspired by a flash snowstorm, plays "snow angel" on the grounds of Daara Ram's fortress, momentarily lost in the bliss of the previous year's Christmas.
  Editor's Note: The nature of Stanley's relationship with Daara Ram is unknown, although it is likely that (prior to Stanley's Life), KeramidasCo was representative of the worst kind of corporate greed and viciousness, and might very well have been involved with Ram's terrorist organization.

1995

• The Powers That Be, tired of Stanley's long life of unrepentant bastardliness, decide that Stanley will be killed in Larry the Psycho's getaway from an upcoming crime.
  Prior to "Stanley's Life."
  
  
• Mickey and his girlfriend discuss having a dinner party. They decide to invite Stanley.
  Prior to "Stanley's Life."
  
  
  
• Larry the Psycho completes several napalm bombs in his secret lab, and prepares his getaway vehicle. Meanwhile, Stanley visits Norwich Union Life Insurance.
  Immediately prior to "Stanley's Life."
  
  
• "Stanley's Life"
  Larry the Psycho plants napalm bombs around Toronto's Eaton Centre, then hides in the parking garage, intending to destroy the building and kill everyone inside. Stanley, walking with his assistant, Mickey, is intercepted by Bob, the parking garage attendant. Bob urges Stanley to stop Larry. Stanley, in an unprecedented act of selflessness, agrees. He successfully fights Larry the Psycho, but Stanley J. Keramidas is killed when Larry hands him a stick of dynamite.
  
  Stanley awakes to find himself in the afterlife, in the company of Edith, who has (unwillingly) become his Guardian Angel. Because Stanley died doing a good deed, the Powers That Be decide to give him a chance to save his own life. Stanley is sent backwards in time to 1992, where he succeeds in stopping Larry the Psycho's bombing of Gilcrest Island. Stanley returns to the present and emerges in the Eaton's Centre parking garage, armed with a brick. He kills Larry the Psycho, and joins Mickey and Bob on the street. Mickey notes a marked improvement in Stanley's attitude, although we're sure that will dissipate nicely with time. Axelrod, now aged 17, takes his girlfriend to a Taco Bell. Upon emerging, the two share their first kiss. Unbeknownst to Axel, Stanley is watching nearby.
  Editor's Note: Stanley's vision of the afterlife, appropriately, is the back yard of Keramidas Ranch, as seen in "Baby-Stealin' Gypsies."
  
  
• Stanley has dinner with Mickey and his girlfriend.
  Conjecture. Stanley was probably in a good mood after defeating Larry the Psycho, and hungry.

1996

• Stanley, though wanting to maintain his bastardly exterior, finds himself compelled to continue covertly helping people, as he did in "Stanley's Life." He begins to formulate, under the guise of routine operations at KeramidasCo, a group her refers to only as The Consortium. This ultra-top-secret collection of agents is dispatched on Stanley's orders to correct wrongs in the chaos of the world.
  "Bone Daddy and the Big Score" and "Night of the Centipedes." By "Centipedes," Stanley has formed The Consortium, as evidenced by his attempted recruitment of Conrad. The unit's nature is indirectly revealed in "Bone Daddy and the Big Score." The events of "Keramidas" could have theoretically led up to Stanley's forming of The Consortium. These events would have happened reasonably soon after the events of "Stanley's Life."
  
  
• Stanley hires an investigator named Bone Daddy to be one of his premier agents at the Consortium. Bone Daddy is assigned a partner named Dr. Vesuvius.
  "Bone Daddy and the Fourth Reich."
  
  
• "The Jig Is Up."
  Stanley shows an apartment to a prospective renter, who is immediately swarmed by the feds.
  
  
• Frustrated by this recent debacle, Stanley gives up real estate as a KeramidasCo business enterprise, preferring instead to dedicate the majority of his time to the Consortium.
  Conjecture from "Bone Daddy and the Big Score."
  
  
• Stanley undergoes surgery to have a third cheek added to his butt. The cheek is placed between the two existing cheeks, and Stanley's anus is grafted to the center of the new cheek, providing a "kissing canteloupe" look.
  Not honestly sure where in the hell this came from.

1997

• Stanley seeks a lordship from the British government. The Canadian government blocks his application, citing the Nickle Resolution of 1919, which holds that a Canadian citizen cannot hold such an honour. Incensed, Stanley becomes a citizen of the Republic of Zaire, and receives his British lordship in early spring 1997. He hereafter insists upon being addressed as "Lord Stanley."
  Conjecture from "Bone Daddy and the Big Score."
  
  
• An agent in Stanley's employ, Dr. Vesuvius, meets his maker at the hands of arch-villain Ogotongo Inferniggia during a routine crack smackdown. Vesuvius' partner, Bone Daddy, vows revenge, but ultimately forgets to follow through on his threat until 2002.
  "Bone Daddy and the Fourth Reich."
  
  
• Stanley officially hires Slick Willie as a new partner for Bone Daddy.
  Conjecture from "Bone Daddy and the Fourth Reich."

1998

• "The Night of the Centipedes."
  Stanley encounters a young man named Conrad, just after the latter has firebombed his own house in order to rid it of a centipede infestation. Stanley offers Conrad an interview, hoping that it will lead to Conrad assuming a position in The Consortium.
  
  
• Conrad never calls Stanley.
  Conjecture. Conrad disappears after "The Night of the Centipedes."
  
  
• "Four Royal Flushes " (version 3.0)
  The world is annihilated in a freak firestorm caused by a random permutation of the odds. Stanley attempts to outrun the firestorm on a bicycle, but does not succeed.
  
  
• The world reforms itself.
  Conjecture. Once again, the "reality" of the "Four Royal Flushes" movies is somewhat in question.

1999

• As the second millennium of man draws to a close, Stanley reflects on the extraordinary legacy of the Keramidas Klan in the 20th century... then promptly eats a donut. Happy New Year!

This concludes Keramidas Kronology I. To view Keramidas Kronology II, the ongoing record of the Keramidas family in the 21st Century, click HERE.

The Keramidas Kronology is a copyright of TEDERICK.COM.