Philadelphia, day 2. After giving the big fat “meh” to the second-biggest mall in the country and securing our DigiTrans tickets for the evening, Matty Price and I went to downtown Philadelphia, home of the Gozer building.
On the way into town we pulled off the highway suddenly (random changes of plan were MP’s gestalt for the day) and found a circle of statues originally erected by the Catholic Total Abstinence Union of America, which looked to me like a perfect place to fuck outdoors. At least, if I lived in this city, that’s where I’d be doing it. On the way back to our car, me and Matthew were intercepted by a woman who proceeded to tell us that a small bush nearby had been the site of a week-long Virgin Mary apparition back in the 1960s, and that once when this woman had driven by the spot, she had begun speaking in tongues. It’s the little details.
After visiting City Hall – you know, that thing they use in any movie set in Philadelphia to prove that the movie is set in Philadelphia – and sending some postcards, we found the single best burger place I have ever been to, and then headed down to Chinatown. I looked through a door and saw a glittering Asian wonderland beyond and so went inside, and got into a bit of a situation when a cute Chinese girl noticed me looking at some dragon-headed canes on display, walked over, unscrewed the head of one of the canes, and a sword came out. This becomes important later, when Matty Price and I tried to visit the Liberty Bell with cane in hand, and were told that really you can’t go into a government installation with a cane that turns into an edge weapon. REALLY? But of course I bought the dragon head sword cane. Of course I did. Honestly when the cute Chinese girl popped the sword out of that dragon cane she could very easily have told me the damn thing sold for two hundred dollars and I would have whipped out the Visa and said “I’ll take two.” There are some battles I just can’t fight, and a cane sword can turn out dead useful in a sticky situation.
The duck bus was one of those roving vehicular amphibo-dealies that went into the water. It was made challenging because they handed out noisemaking duck bills to everyone aboard to honk merrily as we went along, and the woman in front of me just couldn’t get enough of that fucking thing. I mean, she was having the time of her life. And I had a cane in my bag that turned into a sword. Actually I got a keen insight into the nature of violence when I realized that having a weapon around really does drive up the urges. My brain just kept saying “I have a cane in my bag that turns into a sword I have a cane in my bag that turns into a sword I have a cane in my bag that turns into a sword” over and over again as this excruciating woman kept honking on her duck. Man howdy they won’t let you take a sword cane to see the Liberty Bell but they’re okay on duck buses? What a country.
On the way back to the hotel at the end of the day, a huge military helicopter buzzed the interstate before pealing off and disappearing into the setting sun. It put a lot of stuff in perspective for me. If I lived in a country where shit like that happened all the time, I’d think my country was pretty awesome too. I think I need these annual trips down to the U.S. to do away with all the built-up dislike so that I can see some of the good side of things.